| END GAME
by Sheila Forbes
‘Heavenly Rest, good morning. Troy speaking. Can I
help you?’
‘I'd like to make arrangements about my husband’
‘Certainly, Madam. May I have your name please?’
‘Mrs Rita Wells.’
‘I'm very sorry for your loss, Mrs Wells. Where do you live, please?’
‘Cottleford.’
‘Cottleford in Wiltshire?’
‘Yes.’
‘Right, your nearest Heavenly Resting place is at Forstown, about
five miles from Cottleford. Would that suit you?’
‘That's fine.’
‘Right. The manager there is Roger Banks, and he will contact you
about the order of service, the hymns, and that sort of thing. I just
need a few more details. When would you like the ceremony to take place?’
‘Friday.’
‘Friday next week? I'll see what we can do. Now are you thinking
of a burial or a cremation?’
‘Oh, a cremation. That'll make quite sure he can't come back.’
‘Um, er, yes, quite, either way, but certainly we'll arrange a cremation
if that's what you wish. Now about the casket: we have the padded, satin-lined
mahogany with silver or brass handles at eight thousand pounds, or slightly
cheaper beech...’
‘What's the cheapest?’
‘Well we have a whole range of cheaper options...’
‘And what's the very cheapest?’
‘The cheapest is re-inforced cardboard, with rope handles. Of course
it is not nearly as durable as the wooden casket but is perfectly adequate
for the purpose.’
‘Why would it need to be durable if it's going to be burnt up anyway?’
‘Well, there is that point of course. I'm afraid with the cardboard
casket there is no padded satin lining...’
‘Why does a dead person need a padded satin lining? Arthur was a
cheapskate in life; now he can be a cheapskate in death.’
‘As you wish, Mrs Wells. What about refreshments after the funeral?
Would you like us to arrange tea and snacks for you?’
‘Good idea. Forget the tea, we'll have champagne.’
‘Champagne?’
‘That's right. It'll be a celebration. That's what they do these
days. You don't mourn a death, you celebrate a life, and boy, will I be
celebrating!’
‘I see. Where is your husband at the moment? Is he at the hospital?’
‘At the golf course.’
‘I beg you pardon? Did you say...’
‘Yes, he doesn't play much these days because of his heart, but
he'll be drinking with his old mates, conniving bunch that they are.’
‘I'm sorry, Mrs Wells, I'm afraid there must be some misunderstanding.
I was under the impression that your husband had already passed on, and
that you were making arrangements for his funeral next week.’
‘He hasn't passed on yet, but he will have by the end of next week,
and I want the funeral to be held on Friday.’
‘But you said he was at the golf club.’
‘That's right.’
‘I... I... don't understand.’
‘You don't need to understand. Just make the arrangements.’
‘I'll make tentative arrangements with our Forstown branch and come
back to you.’
‘Not tentative, definite.’
‘Er, yes, very well. If you could just give me your address and
phone number...’
‘Forstown Police Station. Police Constable James speaking. How can
I help you?’
‘This is the Heavenly Rest call centre, Troy Jennings speaking.
I have just had a most peculiar call. I think it may be a hoax, but in
case it's genuine I thought I'd better tell you about it.’
‘Go ahead, sir.’
‘A Mrs Rita Wells from Cottleford has phoned to make arrangments
for her husband's funeral on Friday of next week, but it appears he is
perfectly well and at the moment at the golf club with friends. She assures
me he will be dead before next Friday. It's very strange, almost as though
she means to bump him off herself.’
‘It does sound as though someone is playing a joke on you, sir.
Perhaps you had better give me the details so that we can look into it
in case anything does happen. Did the woman sound quite sane, did you
think?’
‘Well she certainly knew exactly what she wanted. I don't think
there's much love lost between them. She called him a cheapskate, and
wanted the very cheapest of coffins. Then she wants a bit of a booze-up
afterwards. A celebration, she said.’
‘Is her husband terminally ill, do you think? Though I suppose if
he were that ill he would hardly be at the golf club. I'll speak to my
sergeant and see what he thinks. Can you give me a few more details, Sir...’
‘Hello, Roger? It's Troy here. Listen, I've had a call from some
mad woman in Cottleford who wants to have a funeral for her husband at
your place on Friday next week. The thing is, it appears he is still alive
and kicking and having a drink with his mates at the golf club. She's
adamant that he's going to be dead by next Friday. Have you got any bookings
for then? She also wants a hellfire party afterwards with champagne. Can
you make tentative arrangements? Something you can cancel at the last
minute if necessary? I suppose you'll have to make a booking at the crematorium.
They won't be pleased if you have to cancel. Heck, I don't know what to
say about it.’
‘We've got a free spot at eleven thirty. I've got one booked before
that and one in the afternoon. I'll have to contact the crematorium. What
did you say the name was?’
‘It's Wells, Mrs Rita Wells. The husband's name is Thomas. I tell
you, it's almost as though she intends to bump him off herself. If that
happens I suppose there'll have to be an autopsy or something, and that
will hold everything up. What a mess! Who'd have thought dying could be
so complicated.’
‘Don't panic, Troy. I'll do what I can. If it doesn't happen maybe
the refreshments can be used for the afternoon lot. Anyway, I'll get back
to you.’ ‘Hello, Mrs Wells? Troy from Heavenly Rest speaking.
I've made arrangements for your husband's funeral to take place at eleven
thirty next Friday. Roger Banks at our Forstown branch will contact you
direct to confirm everything.’
‘Thank you, Troy.’
‘Um...er.. you do realise, Mrs Wells, that if the funeral does not
take place we shall still have to charge you a cancellation fee of...’
‘Don't you worry, Troy. It will definitely take place; I'll see
to that.’
‘And...er...how is your husband now?’
‘Oh, he's fine at the moment. Down at the pub with some of his friends.
No doubt he'll come rolling home demanding his dinner when he's had enough
to drink.’
‘Right, Mrs Wells. Goodbye.’ ‘Heavenly Rest, good morning.
Troy speaking. Can I help you?’
‘Police Constable James here from Forstown Police. You phoned us
last week about a Mrs Rita Wells.’
‘That's right. Did you find out anything about her or her husband?’
‘Well it was all very strange. I spoke to my sergeant and he thought
we ought to look into it, make Mrs Wells aware that we are watching the
situation, so we went to call on them. She took a long time to come to
the door, but when she did she said her husband was having a heart attack
and she had just been calling the ambulance. Apparently he has had a weak
heart for some years and he could have gone at any time. It did seem very
convenient, seeing that she had already booked his funeral, so we contacted
his doctor. He confirmed what Mrs Wells had said, but under the circumstances
we thought it best to ask for an autopsy. This was carried out on Monday
and showed that he had indeed died of natural causes. It all seems very
suspicious but there is really nothing more we can do.’
‘Thanks for letting me know, Constable. I'll arrange for the funeral
to go ahead then.’ ‘Hi, Roger; Troy here. It looks as though
Mr Thomas Wells has dropped off his perch after all. And through natural
causes. I don't know how she did it but his wife got it right so the funeral
can go ahead on Friday.’
‘Hello Troy. Yes, Mrs Wells did phone me and let me know. Funny
business all together if you ask me. The way she spoke I wouldn't be surprised
to see her dancing on his coffin.’
‘ Maybe she's psychic or something. Anyway, once she's had her celebration
we won't be hearing from her again.’ ‘Heavenly Rest, good
morning. Troy speaking, can I help you?’
‘Good morning, Troy. It's Rita Wells here. I just wanted to thank
you for all your help over my husband's funeral.’
‘We always try to give satisfaction, Mrs Wells. Did everything go
well?’
‘Everything went according to plan, thanks to your help.’
‘I actually did very little apart from passing on your messages
to Roger Banks at our Forstown branch. He was the one who made all the
arrangements.’
‘Ah, but you gave me just the extra help I needed.’
‘I'm not sure I understand what you mean, Mrs Wells.’
‘I thought you sounded a very sensible young man when I first called
you and I was sure you would do the right thing. You see, I recently discovered
my husband had been embezzling clients' money for years and people had
started asking questions, so he was terrified of being found out. With
his weak heart, seeing the police arriving at the door was just enough
to push him into cardiac arrest. So there you are. Thank you, Troy. Goodbye.’
Click.
‘Crikey!’
|
